#hes giving nothing and im imagining everything. and you really dont want to make assumptions because it would be awkward to be wrong

[13eyond13]

underrated funny thing about lawlight is they never actually did get to confirm that 100% of the time they were basically thinking exactly what the other person thought they were thinking every single time

[remcycl333]

Hi, I really enjoyed reading your indepth post today on how to fulfill ourselves. I really admire you and the “states girlies” a lot because you guys really know your stuff!

I have a bit of a scenario that i’ve been “stuck” in and in my own head about, if you have time i would really appreciate some advice.

So i’ve been “manifesting” my sp for a little over 2 years now using law of assumption, but in reality i’ve only TRULY been manifesting him using states for the last 8 months. I have a really good understanding of states thanks to you and twitter pages, edward art and neville. I promise I don’t focus on time (until recently when i was making plans for my future which i always assumed my sp would be here for) and I never intended that manifesting takes a long time. I’ve experienced many quick manifestations and I know sp is no different but im not sure where im going wrong. I always catch myself when im out of the state and redirect myself back and have been doing this daily for the last 8 months. I do feel fulfilled in my mind with him since I no longer have a “longing” for him nor do I expect him to take any action in the 3D because thats not my true world. I dont even feel bad/sad when “opposite” things seem to happen (such as him unfollowing me out of the blue) and I give stuff like that NO meaning because it GENUINELY doesn’t affect me since I know in imagination im happily married. I know you’ll tell me that im not truly fulfilled if the 3D is making me feel some type of way, but Im not sure how else to explain that I don’t know why not even the tiny bit of movement has happened (I dont want movement, I want my whole desire, just trying to say how in my physical senses there has been nothing experienced).

I keep up with your posts weekly and I know you’ll tell me that if im noticing the absence im not in the state, that im dominantly still in lack, etc but I truly felt like I was fulfilled. I never check the 3D, I never even have “opposing” thoughts (since thoughts are an indicator of my state) so I thought for months that everything is fine. Even now I am prioritizing my state because I know that by writing this, I am being in an unfulfilled state, but im not sure what else to do. After a while it gets a little weird noticing it hasn’t reflected even though im fulfilled within. Am I doing anything wrong? I dont have a strong desire for my sp anymore because I worked a lot on myself and no longer need him, but I do wish to be with him still.

Thank you rem.

hi love! so im not in your brain, so i don't know every little thing you think/do throughout the day, so im gonna give u some examples of things i was accidentally doing whenever i was manifesting an sp that was keeping my 3d from reflecting, even tho i was sure i was 100% fulfilled. maybe you'll realize you're doing something similar and be able to stop it?

i'd prepare myself for what i'd say to my sp when he finally reached out, or i'd daydream about yelling at him when he did bc i knew before we got back together we'd have to talk about our past issues. this was contradicting the fact that i was manifesting already being in a relationship with my sp. why would i be identifying with those thoughts when i was already with my sp?

i like to daydream in order to fulfill myself, but sometimes i'd stop paying attention and accidentally slip into a state of longing without even realizing it. like i'd be daydreaming about something bc i desperately wanted to experience it in my reality, not because i was experiencing it in my 4D, if that makes sense. what i like to do to combat that is while im daydreaming i just like to tell myself that im re-living a memory and that im so happy this thing already happened/is happening. it helps me think from my desire instead of thinking of it!

my friends have shared that one of their mistakes while manifesting an sp was still wanting their sp to be missing them/obsessed with them/constantly thinking about how badly they wanted to be with them, daydreaming about scenarios of them being jealous, etc. this was making them identify with separation, when they really wanted to identify as their sp's partner.

similarly, an issue i had was focusing way too much on how my sp was feeling about me, instead of focusing on how i was feeling about them. when i'd daydream or imagine, i'd imagine them loving ME or confessing their feelings to ME, but then i realized that how i feel matters more than how they feel, because this is my reality! so instead i'd focus on how much i loved them and how amazing i felt being loved by them. that's why, as i mentioned in my most recent post, i changed from affirming "my sp loves me" to "i love my sp."

while manifesting my sp, i knew the first step of us getting back together would be him texting me, so every time i picked up my phone and i saw he hadn't texted me yet id feel sooo discouraged. what helped me with this was telling myself things like "ofc my sp didn't text me, he's literally in the same room as me why would he text me lol?" this would help me feel like we were already together!

i was still PISSED at my sp. idk what your story is with your sp, but mine was an ex, and i was mad at him for breaking up with me still. i had to forgive him because i was constantly holding onto that anger and fantasizing about yelling at him over it. this one might not apply to u depending on your relationship with your sp idk!

similarly, i'd find myself getting mad at my sp for not "conforming" to my affs? even tho he didn't even know i wanted him back? so once again i focused on feeling positively towards my sp and imagining how much i loved him. once i started focusing on the version of my sp that was such a good and loving and attentive boyfriend, he started showing up that way in my reality. remember, there is NO ONE TO CHANGE BUT SELF! focus on changing how YOU feel about your sp instead of how he feels about you!

i know you say that you never feel negatively about your sp or your situation, but as i've mentioned in other posts, sometimes the feeling of knowing feels like nothing. so while you're noticing nothing is happening in your 3D, you can still be accepting the fact that nothing is happening without it giving you any negative emotions.

my advice would be to implement the distraction technique. this is what helped me finally manifest my sp. i had a favorite person attachment to my sp (bc of my bpd) so i was thinking of him ALL day long, and sometimes i wouldn't be paying enough attention to know if i was thinking of him from the state of the wish fulfilled, or from the state of lack. so instead, every time i thought of him at all (negatively or positively) i'd say "it is done" (which instantly shifted me into the state of the wish fulfilled) and then force myself to think of something else. so many of my followers have had success with this technique! this technique isn't necessary at all (you're 100% allowed to think of your sp) but i found it rlly helpful for my adhd brain. it can also be really helpful for you if you can't pinpoint what you're doing wrong!

i really hope this post was helpful to you!! <3 let me know if anything helped!

[words-for-holland]

Happier (4) | T.H.

Summary: Y/N & Tom speak to each other for the first time in 3 weeks! Tom is in talks of doing a new movie. Lots of yelling, painful pictures being sent. Harrison and Harry go on a trip. Does Kate finally tell the truth to Y/N?

A/N: Hmmm....seems like Natalie & Matt is everyone’s favorite/hated suspects. More theories lets hear em!!!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Sanctuary

Its a word often used to protect those within a troubling world. For some it’s a church, a home, sometimes a family and friend. For Y/N and Tom, sanctuaray was no where to be found. Three weeks it’s been since the world felt like it collapsed on Y/N and Tom. Three weeks of feeling left in a troubling space that they could not get out of...until now. As soon as they heard each other’s voices on the phone, it gave them a moment of relief, but only for a moment.

“So...how are you?” Tom asks nervously. He wanted to pick his words out carefully in hopes that he wouldn’t upset her.

“Im okay.” Y/N responds quietly as she looks back at her phone. No message yet, maybe she was in the clear and that gave her a small boost of confidence. It was going to be okay. “How about you?” She asks back, not really sure how to carry the conversation. In any case, how does one continue talking to an ex without making it awkward? Let alone how does one talk to someone without the fear of being blackmailed.

“Yeah Im great...really great.” Tom lies and chuckles nervously.

Y/N could tell by the tone of his voice how nervous he was. A habit she always found to be adorable for him. Y/N rolled her eyes with a slight smile before she questions him in a serious tone “Why did you call Tom?”

Tom closes his eyes, letting out a stressed sigh. “I miss you Y/N and I dont care what you say or what you said to me that night, but this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“I miss you too but things happen beyond our control, Tom. Sometimes it just can’t be helped.” Y/N responds nonchalantely, staring at her phone again. No messages still.

“Thats a load of bullshit and you know it. We were supposed to get through anything. Fuck the rumors fuck everything! This isn’t like you Y/N!” Tom vents out every feeling and thought he had since she left. “You say you miss me but then what are we doing? Why are we continuing to hurt ourselves like this?”

Y/N shakes her head, knowing deep down the reason why but could never say. Not unless she wanted to ruin his dream. She could never. “It’s not that simple.” She croaked.

“We would have found a way to get through it, but you gave up so easily. I know for a fact my Y/N never gave up without a fight.”

Y/N looks again at her phone, and no messages were to be found. Maybe she could tell him, and they wouldnt know, but Y/N knew better. Somewhere out there there was someone always watching her every move. “I cant do this right now. Goodbye Tom.” Y/N hangs up as she continues to cry herself to sleep. So much for sanctuary.

Its the morning after, and as Y/N heads downstairs, she hears soft laughter and conversations echoing through the halls. For a second it almost sounded like Tom’s, and she hurried toward the room only to be disappointed. In the living room was Matt and Kate as they made small talk awaiting for Y/N’s arrival.

“Y/N! You’re awake!” Kate exclaims as she gets up from the seat to give her a hug. “Look who decided to drop by!”

Matt looked up at Y/N and gives her a shy smile and wave. He’s dressed in his navy blue LBI shirt and cream colored shorts. It was typical high school Matt...nothing had changed with him.

“Yes I see that....I’m sorry did we have plans and I forgot?” Y/N asked confused.

“No actually uh I invited him over because I knew you wanted to catch up with him after last week..so I pulled some strings.” Kate whispers.

“You..what?” Y/N asked annoyed, her eyes glaring and her brows furrowed. If there was one thing Y/N hated it was blind dates. She had stressed that over and over throughout the years that she hated it, especially with people she used to have romantic feelings for. The keyword..USED.

“Cmon Y/N. Remember this was the time for you to move on and forget. Plus you wouldn’t want to send him away after he came here just to see you!” Kate tries her best to sell it, she had to...there’s wasnt really a choice.

Y/N looked back at Matt and groaned silently to her best friend. “Fine I’ll go, but this is the last blind date you’re ever setting me up on AND you’re doing the dishes.” She emphasized as she got ready and grabbed her purse.

To say Y/N was surprised was an understatment. For sure, she had a feeling this was going to be awkward in so many ways like any other first dates, but this...wasn’t too bad. Though she realized it wasn’t a date this was just two old friends catching up from the past.

She learned a lot about him and how his younger brother Steven was working on becoming an engineer and how his little sister Emily was also grown up and working towards becoming a physical therapist. As for Matt, he was working in the city too as an accountant for a finance firm. While they continued to eat their lunch at Chelsea’s Market, she couldn’t help but make the comparisons.

Matt didn’t dress up like Tom, didnt make her laugh like Tom does, didnt make her blush the way Tom does, didnt smile like Tom, and when he touched her hand...she didnt feel the goosebumps the way Tom would. It was clear. He wasn’t Tom and could never be Tom.

The date came to a close, but Y/N hadn’t really gathered much from it since she was so focused on Tom. Every word Matt had said to her barely made it through. She’d be lying if she didnt say the date was okay but she’d be lying even more if she had said she’d enjoy it.

She looked into his blue eyes as he looked into hers. Matt tried to lean forward to give her a kiss, but Y/N moved away. She couldnt. Not when Tom was still present in her thoughts and her mind. “Im sorry...I just got out of a serious relationship and well —” Y/N whispers feeling guilt in her heart.

“No no. It’s fine really. Maybe I was too forward with this and I had no idea....I’m sorry.” Matt laughs, feeling heavily disappointed. “I’ll uhh I’ll see you around?” Y/N nods as she waves him goodbye.

The next day, Tom wakes up in his bed still praying that this whole phase was just a nightmare he’s still having trouble waking up from. Today was not that day. He got up and dressed appropiately knowing that today would be a meeting for his upcoming project. He had forgotten all about it especially with everything going on. When he arrived and entered the room with Harrison, Natalie also appeared sitting in one of the chairs with a smile and coffee on hand.

“Jesus you’re like everywhere now.” Harrison speaks out taking the seat across from her, while Tom takes the seat next to Harrison.

“Well I mean I do live with you guys temporarily until my flat gets fixed, and I did get cast in the same movie as Tom.” She laughs pointing out the obvious.

Tom looked up, his eye wide open and brows raised. He completely forgot the fact that she was going to be playing his love interest for the film. He tried to recall if he had told Y/N about it before and if maybe that’s why she was also mad. Maybe if he told her now, that would make her feel better? Tom was lost in his thoughts he didnt hear the other publicists in the room calling out to him. “Tom are you listening?”

Harrison quickly hits his best friend to wake him up from his thoughts. “Huh? Uh..no sorry.” Tom confesses, looking down at the table.

The publicists, both roll their eyes in annoyance. “We’re telling you that you need to do a lot of PR for this movie in order to boost the sales, and recoginition for both you and Natalie. This means..you’re going to have to pretend you’re in a relationship for some time.”

Tom and Harrison are now fully attentive and furious. “What?! Im not doing PR for this. That is low for the both of us. We shouldnt have to fake a relationship to get our work across” Tom yells out fury burning in his brown eyes.

“I know Tom, but no one watches it for the films nowadays it’s about the image, and right now we’re trying to help both of yours and Natalie’s. You’ve been looking liek a depressed bloke this past month and Natalie is trying to get some exposure in the business.” The publicists expalin. “Harrison, help us out here.”

“Look mate, Im just his assistant. It’s up to Tom if he wants to do this or not.” Harrison speaks out as he points to his best friend. He faces Tom and whispers, “You don’t have to do this mate, there are other projects out there.”

Tom nods, as he looks at the room of people. He closes his eyes, but all he could see was Y/N. Deep down, Tom knew he couldnt do this to her. “I..I don’t think I can do this.”

Natalie and the publicists’ eyes shot up in fear, unhappy with the response given. They knew there was only one thing they could do now. “Ah I understand. It’s because of a girl isn’t?” Natalie’s publicist speaks out. Tom looks at her and then down at the table, as he slowly nods his head. “Yes well Natalie’s told me all about her. Seems like a bright girl, but believe Tom she doesn’t love you as much as you thought she did.”

Tom’s eyes dart towards the publicist as his eyes continue to stare down in anger. He was angry, pissed off that they could ever make that assumption. “Fuck you! You don’t know anything!” His tone set in anger.

“Oh..but we do. See you think Y/N is remaining as faithful as you after a breakup, but why is she already out with another guy.” The publicist continues. She hands her phone to Tom as he swipes through the pictures of Y/N and Matt’s date. He saw Y/N smile at Matt, laugh with him, and touch his shoulder. Yet, the one picture that broke him the most was the one where Matt almost kissed Y/N. While Tom didn’t know the backstory, he could very well imagine how it went. Everything in him shattered, and his eyes started to well up.

“Mate..there’s gotta be an explanation for all of this. Y/N wouldn’t move on from you that quickly. You know her..she wouldn’t. This is all rubbish.” Harrison tried to reason to his heartbroken best friend. For once, he couldn’t rule out Natalie. She didn’t blackmail Y/N, someone else did.

“Fine. I’ll do it.” Tom grumbles as he gets up and walks away.

The world was quiet for the next two days, and it almost seemed like a break from all of it. Back in the New York, Y/N was minding her own business in the apartment with Kate, when she got a text message.

Unknown

Answer the next phone call. ❤️

Y/N’s phone rings and it’s Tom. Her hands are shaking, afraid of what was going to happen. “Y/N.” Tom says shortly, tone filled with disappointment.

“Tom” Y/N replies, her voice shaking.

This wasn’t sanctuary anymore. This was hell.

“Tell me it’s not true.” Tom speaks out, needing to hear the truth. “Did you go out with another guy?”

Y/N hesistated for a moment, unsure of what to say. She could either lie or tell the truth but it didnt matter at this point she was fucked either way. “Yes.” She breathes out. “But — ”

“It’s not what I think? Right?” His tone getting louder. “So it’s okay for you to judge me with Natalie, but not okay for me to judge you with some bloke you’re with?”

“Matt is my friend and I had no choice in that matter!” Y/N yells out, unhappy with how Tom was confronting her.

“Did he threaten you?”

Y/N hesitated for a moment, not him but someone was threatening her. “No.”

“Then you did have a choice.”

As soon as Y/N was going to speak, she got a new message. This time it was a picture from Unknown. One of Tom and Natalie getting cozy as they walked out of a building. Natalie was smiling and Tom had his arms wrapped around her shoulder. “Yeah, guess you made yours too with Natalie.”

Tom was in shock, did she know about the him and Natalie. “Y/N it’s not what you —”

“What? What I think? Yeah that makes two of us, but you want to make assumptions? Fine. You look like you already moved on yourself, but moving on with a girl you know I can’t stand...that’s an all time low for you.” Y/N hangs up and throws her phone across the room. Kate quickly comes to comfort her best friend.

“He...he moved on.” She sobbed quietly in Kate’s arms.

“I know...it’s going to be okay.” Kate whispers. Tears started to also fall on Kate’s eyes as she saw how much pain her best friend was in. She looked at her phone and quickly deleted the pictures she had taken of Y/N and Matt. “Im so sorry. I..have to tell you something.”

Y/N had fallen fast asleep, exhausted from crying. Just when Kate was ready to tell the truth...the door rang.

“Kate!” Harrison and Harry said spoke out in relief as they hugged her.

“Hey..what are you guys doing here?” She asked surprised but also relieved.

Harrison and Harry looked at each. “We want to help find out the truth.”

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl​ @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams @averyfosterthoughts​ @fangirl-with-a-mission @drishtisikarwar @eridanuswave​ @ifntelyinspirit​ @trumpettay @astridcommings @parkershoco

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Saving Grace - Part 4

Summary: Steve leaves you and your son to go back to Peggy unaware your pregnant.

Your heartbroken and struggling without Steve until Bucky Barnes steps up to help you out. With you and Bucky growing closer everyday will he be your saving Grace?

(Takes place after The Avengers defeat Thanos and people lost in the snap are back).

A/N -Sorry summary sucks! If i say too much it will give things away! 💜

"Hey Y/N, its good to see you!" Peter said as he saw me walking into the compound with Harrison.

"Hey Pete, how you doing?" I smiled giving the young boy a quick one armed hug.

"Oh my god your pregnant...."

"Yep" i nodded placing a hand on my growing bump "another one on the way, hey can we catch up later i have an appointment i need to get to and i've gotta drop Harrison off with Clint first" i said looking down at my son who was holding my hand.

"Yeah sure! It was real good to see you"

"You too".

After saying goodbye to Peter we headed to the elevator and made our way up to the common area. Harrison saw Clint as soon as the doors opened and run straight to him jumping into Clints arms as he bent down to his level.

"Did you get bigger?" I heard Clint ask Harrison as i walked towards them.

"Nooooo" Harrison laughed.

"I was actually talking to your mama"

"HAHA! and yes i probably did!" I rolled my eyes at him "i feel huge"

"You look beautiful! Im just playing with you"

"Thanks Clint! Your sure this is okay?...."

"Yeah of course we'll be fine, right bud?"

"Yep!"

"Okay, here's his bag with some bits he might need and also... Fred" i held up his dinosaur teddy that he loved "i shouldn't be that long"

"Go, we're good here i promise"

"Okay.... be good for Uncle Clint buddy" i kissed his blonde hair quickly and turned back to the elevator. As the doors opened Bucky and Sam were standing there both giving me huge smiles.

"Hey doll, what you doing here?" Bucky asked before Sam could.

"Just dropping Harrison off with Clint, you guys are back early"

"Yeah another waste of time with Ross, I'm gonna go see my little man" Sam said leaving me with Bucky.

"So how come Clints watching Harrison?"

"Ive got a doctors appointment, i didn't want to have to worry about keeping Harrison occupied. You guys were busy and Clint offered"

"Your okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine, just got an ultrasound. Its just to check on the baby, routine stuff"

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"You dont have to..."

"Id like to....if you dont mind of course"

"Sure, it'd be nice actually".

The drive to the hospital was quiet but not awkward, i kept catching Bucky looking over every now and then and we'd share a smile, butterflies going crazy in my stomach each time! The effect this man had on me was crazy!

Walking into the hospital he suddenly became very nervous and i couldn't help but think he regretted offering to come with me.

"You can wait in the car if this makes you uncomfortable Bucky..."

"What?... no im fine doll. These places just freak me out" he gave me a small smile. I reached for his hand and laced my fingers with his giving his hand a squeeze.

"Come on, we wont be here long i promise".

After checking in we went to sit with all the other couples waiting for their appointments, some women clearly only attending their first check up, others looking like they were ready to pop any second. But all i could see were the happy couples, they all sat there looking happy. Last time i did this i was just like them, Steve and I were happy and in love.... or at least i had thought so.

"you okay?" Bucky asked quietly leaning closer to me.

"Yeah" i nodded quickly turning to look at him, by the look on his face he didn't believe me.

"Your a terrible liar" he smiled taking hold of my hand "you thinking about him?"

"I guess so, its just being here this time around is different from when i was pregnant with Harrison. I was just like them" i looked over at the happily loved up couples "thank you for coming with me Buck it would have been so much worse sitting here alone"

"Anytime. Anything you need I'm your guy" he leaned closer and pressed a kiss to my temple just as the nurse came out and called my name.

"I'll be right here when your done"

"Your not coming in?"

"I didn't think you'd want me to"

"Come on, i need you Bucky".

Bucky got up quickly nodding and following me into the examination room.

"Good afternoon Y/N" an older gentleman greeted me when i walked in.

"Hi"

"Im Dr Green"

"Where's Dr Gale?"

"Sick I'm afraid, your in good hands i promise" he smiled "okay so mom if you wanna get on the bed.... I'm guessing this is dad?.... you can pull up a chair to get a better look"

Bucky and I looked at each other but didn't correct the doctors assumption that Bucky was the dad, it was easier to just let him think that.

"Okay if you can just lift up your shirt i'll get started".

A few minutes later i was looking at my baby girl on the screen, the sound of her heartbeat filling the room.

"Everything looks great" Dr Green smiled at us as he clicked some buttons and made some notes "i'll get some of these printed for you guys and you can be on your way"

"Thats it?" Bucky asked looking confused.

"Yeah this was just to check everything is as it should be. I wont need to come back until D day now"

"D day?"

"Delivery day" i laughed wiping the gel of my stomach with the towels Dr Green had handed me.

"Oh right" Bucky nodded before smiling at me.

"First time dad huh? Its all very overwhelming i know, but just relax. This bit is the easy bit" Dr Green laughed handing the print outs to Bucky "i have four kids and 6 grandkids.....the hard bit is when their here"

I scoffed at that statement, it was easy for him to say he didn't have to push the kid out!!

"Really? Cause i would have thought the hardest part was Y/N having to actually have the baby" Bucky said looking at the doctor with a murder glare and i had to hold in a laugh.

"Oh of course! Im not saying giving birth is easy....."

"I should think not. You ready doll?" He held his hand out for me

"Yeah" i nodded smiling up at him as i took his hand "thank you Dr Green".

"Man i wanted punch that guy in the face so bad" Bucky said quietly to me as we walked out to the car "as if the birth is the easiest part of having a kid?? The hard part is when their here??" He mimicked the doctors voice making me laugh "his kids and grandkids must be monsters! I mean Harrison's not hard work, his no trouble at all".

We stopped at the car and i couldn't help but smile at him "what?" he asked.

"Nothing, its just..... your pretty amazing Buck" i smiled reaching up and pressing my lips to his gently. He let out a little surprised gasp but quickly kissed me back, pulling me closer to deepen the kiss. When we broke apart we were both breathless "wow" i smiled up at him feeling myself blushing.

"You got that right doll" he beamed.

"I know i said i wanted to wait til after the baby but i just couldn't help myself"

"Im not complaining, lets just take things slow. If you wanna kiss me again i wont object" Bucky smirked and i could just imagine him being like that back in the day before the war, before Hydra.

"Maybe later" i chuckled "lets go get Harrison and go home"

"Sounds perfect".

Taglist:

@jennmurawski13 @kenzieam @captainchrisstan

@s-t-r-i-k-e-us @lets--be-honest @ms-betsy-fangirl

@damnaged-princess @farfromtommy @disneylovingal

[goldtips]

okay so ya girl is back at it again. this was originally going to be a reply to someone but well. it got out of hand. i shat all over babylon the anime a while ago and honestly kind of feel bad. there are definitely things that the show does that makes it stand out, esp as a seasonal anime bc you dont expect dir. to spend much time on them!!!! like if we’re comparing this to shows like fanservice anime or any .. mediocre seasonal isekai then ofc this show is better lmfao. the only reason i shit on it is because i expected this anime to be Better ;;;;;;;

mind, i’m not rescinding my statement - as far as i’m concerned, babylon is still a hella frustrating anime because it tries to showcase humans as nihilistic, utilitarian robots that don’t seem to consider the topic of suicide emotionally even though thats supposedly humanity’s defining trait ??? and it deals with the topic of suicide with the care of elephants gallivanting in the fucking savanna :))) the whole show has also been pretty lacklustre in terms of characterization, trying way too hard to be intellectual and feed edgy plot points instead of giving any development - the plot feels reactionary overall and placid rather than exciting. also, the fact that the anime started as a mystery / politico-legal sort of show just makes the transition from that to abstract theory even more forced...........

HOWEVER im promised im going to stop shitting on babylon so lets talk about what the anime does right shall we. more specifically,,, the biblical imagery!!! is great !!!! : D

the show is called babylon. in the old testament (ot), babylon is humanized as a “brutal, callous and proud” woman who “believed that she would reign over the earth forever.” in the new testatment the phrase “she who is at babylon” refers to the new world culture currently at war with the covenant community. in such that rome, as a mistress or whore of the new world, is seeking to seduce and subvert people of god, enticing men to fall “drunk with the wine of her fornication.”

yes,,,, a whore who uses sex to entice innocent men into complying with new culture? who believes herself to be akin to god and also in this context, above the law and morality - im gonna say its not too far a stretch to say that magase was intended to symbolise the whore of babylon.

however, that’s not all - links can be made between the enactment of the suicide laws and the seduction of new culture. who exactly is leading the front? kaika itsuki ( 齋 開化 ), who’s name literally means culture. that aint a coincidence. also, that weirdly-placed reference to roman law / norms during the suicide debate as a way to convince the masses to revert / adopt roman ideology??? also not a coincidence. :))))

in addition, there are two other major biblical events related to babylon:

the book of revelations; and

the tower of babel.

its safe to say that both narratives are being pushed atm.

revelations:

in revelation 17, the spirit of babylon decends upon earth through the whore. she arrives on the back of a beast with 7 heads, “arrayed in purple and scarlet”, “drunk with the blood of the saints, the blood of the martyrs of Jesus.” “seven heads are seven mountains, on which the woman sitteth.” the revelations also prophesizes that she will be defeated by a beast, but it is unclear as to which. there are two beasts in book of revelations. the first beast comes "out of the sea" given authority and power by the dragon/serpent. the second beast comes "out of the earth" directing people to worship the first beast, a "false prophet".

in a similar vein, nomaru had secretly vouched for itsuki’s, providing itsuki with the necessary resources for him to rise up in ranks and become the new mayor. the kanji for ryuichiro nomaru ( 野丸 龍一郎 ) contains both the kanji 野 and 龙 which respectively mean field (i.e. earth) and dragon. they are key references to the beasts of revelation

plus according to nomaru, it was also purely because of magase that the political struggle turned out the way that it did, meaning that she is ultimately the one controlling the entire operation. this mirrors the way she is sitting on the heads of the beast (i.e. the proverbial brains of the campaign that itsuki is heading) 

we also see that when magase uses her powers her eyes and hair glow in a sort of purple/burgundy color to support the imagery as well! 

the book of revelations is the final chapter of nt. it is merely an allegory of struggle between good and evil and doesnt refer to actual people or events. kinda like the show huh. nyyy way, we see that the protag john the apostle writes down what is revealed to him through visions to send it to the 7 churches :))

kinda like how zen keeps on seeing magase through visions and has to document !! his findings and report back to admin? ik this isnt exact but there’s a bit where he has to write down her confession and it really struck me as weird until this bit popped up, maybe that was included to as a way of tying in :))

tower:

according to the myth, there were plans to build a city and tower high enough to reach heaven - god who observes this confounds their speech so that they can no longer understand each other. why? because “now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.”

while not entirely similar, we see recurring themes in babylon that deal with miscommunication and new ideology. the conflict mirrors the myth in that unity of language (or ideology in this case) and its subsequent discordance once differentiated. 

the interrogation scene in ep 4 deals with reconciling differences. magase asks whether those with different values should be accepted, despite them being contrary to norm. all this time, society has been developing an ideal set of norms - the entire country shares the same values and priorities with no deviation. growth has stagnated. in similar fashion to how god commands for many languages to be created, magase sows the seeds of doubt towards long-standing assumptions and moral values in order to create discordance and push japan into a state of new development

in the new campaign, itsuki proposes to apportion shiniki city from japan and instill new values. this confounds the population and sends them into disarray - the tower that they have created is crumbling, in similar likeness to the parable of babel.

SO TL;DR this show has a really cool starting concept i cant lie?????  i for one am not shitting on its supernatural elements (even though the flow was a little inorganic) in hindsight there’s no point in expecting a show called babylon not to delve into supernatural/biblical elements lol :)))

as a right hoe for imagery and philosophy/ethics, this gave me high hopes but the execution of everything else was way below average. why bring in a discussion about suicide that’s poorly researched + try to be edgy abt it and have the citizens to have support it so easily???? ruins the immersion so much

if the anime really wanted to focus on philosophy there should be some mention of ethical theory to justify his point. like, being aimlessly philosophical only ends up being flowery and pseudo-bullshit lmao. one of hte reasons why i was so frustrated with magase and zen’s discussion in the interrogation room. like woman what was your fucking point. its only wasting screentime if you don’t get anything from the conversation. the philosophy was so fucking unnecessary - babylon could have been executed as an in-depth political/psychological anime instead. WITHOUT THE SUICIDE.

this and the lack of good characters really bummed me out. i think that the show was expecting me to connect to some of the characters before they were fucking killed off but i didn’t end up giving a single shit about any of them so. :) the whole show feels more about the shock factor and gore than about interesting plot.

concept 10/10, execution 1/10

[cow3survivor]

Ep. 5: “Nothing to Report” - Jabari

JENNET 

jennet vs ethan? more like jennet + ethan😀😀😉😉

(a little later)

plan was a success, i know thats right!

ETHAN

Somehow the Pennino vote worked, and Pennino if you are reading this, you really are an amazing guy, and I hope we get a second chance someday. That being said, you are too smart and self-aware, and that is dangerous. For this round, the reward challenge is interesting. I haven't met everyone in the game yet, so I don't know if people are looking at challenge results yet, and I have done my best to have middling performances, but winning this would mean I get put in the spotlight again for winning 2 individual rewards, so that potentially makes me nervous. More than anything, I want to avoid tribal, I don't think there would be a repeat of last time if we go again. I anticipate a swap in 1-2 more votes, either to 2 or 4 tribes. Video conf coming soon :D

JABARI

The girls and I flopped on the reward challenge and Ethan came up like a beast. I really feel out tribe of 5 is doing well and hopefully we can pull win and stay together. If not I Imagine Sam will be out, as for idol searches nothing to report though I feel I am getting close.

JAKE

https://youtu.be/FM19WJ1tTmk witty catchphrase, y'know?

SAM

https://youtu.be/MrYZw3I22ms

JESSICA

Me when I found the idol: :) Me when the hosts told me I had to gamble my vote like 13 times in order to get it: :( I really wish we’d lost now so Nicole could be out and I could have an idol! If we don’t swap next time and it’s there, I’m taking the idol and throwing the challenge. Then we can vote Nicole out and I can have an idol! Will my allies be suspicious that I didn’t vote at that tribal? Not if it’s unanimous for Nicole which you KNOW I’d be doing the work to make happen. If we do swap, I’ll probably go get the idol anyways UNLESS we swap to tribes of 5 and my tribe is bad. But even then, I might as well go get it because I could play it that round if I needed to. Um not much else happened this round! I hope we merge soon.

LINDSAY

sorry ur getting text today ok im so fucin ajfdkhsakjlfhsalkjfhskjfhksjd i hate this anyways i think the tribe is split into two duos and then me - jennet and jabari /ethan and sam. pennino was kinda my duo but also eh. i think ethan has an idol or at the very least an advantage. a f r a i d not sure what to do. could stick w jennet and jabari and hope for the best or preemptively flip and try to make it w ethan and sam... i think there'll be a tribe swap soon but ajsfhsaldfhsdkj afraid if there's too few calumma come merge we'll be fucked but sokka pulled it off before it's not impossible we'll be okay depending. but if i piss off jennet or jabari calumma might not vibe w me following so i'll be stuck at the bottom of the totem pole w old not calumma and that's not a good spot to be either.  :( my "lets do something fun" says lets flip fuck it, but my loyal ass/wants to make it to merge this game ass says sticking w calumma is my best bet. jabari was posting cryptic shit last night so im gonna lead into that and see what hapepns anyways fuck this tribal. fuck tribal. i love all of these people i dont want to vote them out like genuinely there's no one here i want to see gone i HATE THIS anyways if i flip on calumma id probably go jennet bc she's a bigger threat than jabari iirc and if i stay loyal i'd probably aim for ethan bc sam is the more obvious target i... think?

JONES

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApcRUkdtxm4

JENNET

going go tribal again im SUPER nervous... i formed a tight alliance with ethan and sam and i feel bad for betraying the girls but this will help propel me in the long run and i have to take this shot

JESSICA

REALLY hoping we don't swap tonight...... that way I can instantly go get the idol! Or if we do swap, I hope I stay on Calumma. I think I should have actually just gone for the idol but I was worried about needing my vote at next tribal and not knowing what's ahead. Like imagine if I went for it, I lost my vote, and I only got the idol to be good for one round. Or for no rounds. It literally would have been useless and I would hate to swap and have no idol AND no vote. At least now if we swap, I definitely have one of those things! I'm not interested in gambling everything to get nothing so it just didn't seem like a smart choice. I did consider taking it and only gambling once just so Nicole definitely didn't get the idol but that didn't seem like a good idea. She only has like a 1/25 chance of finding it IF she's been guessing every single day and even if she does find it and we don't swap, my guess is Pete will want to throw his vote on Mikey which is fine with me because that is their relationship that will be affected, not mine. 24/25 odds Nicole has no idol is better than a 1/13 chance of losing my vote right? I'm honestly not sure as I still to this day cannot do any math <3 I have been saying this whole game I think we're going to swap at 15 into 3 tribes of 5 so hopefully I am wrong! And we swap at 14 or even better do not swap at all again until the merge. At least I will know who could have the idol if we swap. Narrowing this down is useful, as is knowing that the all 3 pre-merge tribe idols likely have expirations close to final 8/9 and probably aren't good until f5. Plus I'll get the chance to try and get another idol from a different tribe (or find out that someone else already has it too!). You may notice I didn't mention my other teammates in this confessional. Well that is because none of them are really here and nothing is going on since we've been winning. I have still been talking to Mikey and Pete on and off but Lovelis seems to be pretty busy so he hasn't been here. And Nicole...... has left me on read again. We just do not know what is going on there.

LOVELIS

WOO we won immunity!! I'm anticipating a swap soon so I'm tryna stay as cool with Mikey and Nicole as I can just in case I'm put on a tribe with them again, but I do hope I can stay with Shane or Jessica in the future because those two are the ones I get on with the most for sure, and I'd feel more comfortable moving forward on a tribe with them for now! I don't think Nicole has any trust in me after the Nash elimination so I'd be more weary if I had to work with her in order to save myself in the long run, but let's see what the future holds shall we!

SAM

https://youtu.be/F0Zt0L8lScA

ETHAN

Ok this tribal is terrifying. Apparently lindsay and jabari are trying to blindside me by telling me the vote is Sam, and this could be a super good bait from Jennet to try to get Sam to idol. If they’re playing logically, they vote Sam if that’s the case anyways. It wouldn’t make much sense for Jennet to spill, not vote with us, and vote for me, I hope these people are logical, because I’m operating under the assumption that they are.

MADISON

I honestly have to laugh at Shane messing up 2 times during the challenges, us having the lowest counting score, and still being immune at the end of the day. It's truly beautiful. Daisy won the reward so she will be attending the tribal tonight and I hope she can give us an idea of how the dynamics are on another tribe. It's hard when there hasn't really been much to do on Brookesia so having a little bit of info could go a long way in this game.

NICOLE

Hello! So we won. I was having a little bit of a hard time this round if I'm being honest so I'm glad we won immunity because I think I definitely would have hit the road if we did not. Logic puzzles are really gonna be my legacy in this game huh...anyway, I have been searching for idols everyday and have not found ANYTHING except a second guess which I already used to find nothing. Even worse it seems that everywhere I look something has already been found! Which means other people have things! Which stinks. But, I think I'm in a pretty good spot if we swap after this round.  But if we stay on this tribe....yikes!

JENNET 

super nervous, i have TWO alliances with the same name... hoping that helps me at tribal so when i say the name of it, both groups thinks its them😳😳

(a little later)

told ethan and sam what jabari and lindsay have planned for them... hoping it doesnt blow up in my face

(after searching for an idol)

was hoping to vote out lindsay bc shes been playing this like shes our leader but shes the stronger competitor and i dont want to push sam and ethan too much

SHANE

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1-RKbRCfntNc75XUsCg7iKmFfxne0qcMt

SAMMY

i feel like this game is nonexistent lately...I do want to say Shane is lucky bc in the counting challenge he messes up like 2-3 times and i was like ...blinks.... idk but luckily we managed to escape tribal council once again so our odds going far and having numbers are pretty high I’d say? I feel like a swap is coming tho so I’m a bit nervous! My confessionals are gonna remain dry for now sorry mwah

DAISY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuVm7kTkEL4 ugh sorry its so shitty this didnt go as planned and i give up. love u all. kiss kisss

PETE

I’m pretty sure Nicole may still get numbers against me when the time comes. I’m nervous for a merge but honestly i’ll be grateful if I even make it to one for the first time lmao like at this point I may have a few numbers but I’m hoping another struggling alliance picks Jessica and I up at the merge and we can rest in majority for a little bit at the start of it. I was thinking about maybe throwing one challenge so we can either A. Vote off Nicole who is a big threat and could do damage later on. or B. Vote off Mikey who could be a secret snake which could win a couple more trust points with Nicole and maybe pick up and ally there. I’m not sure. I did save Nicole in one light by redirecting my alliance’s target from her to Nash, but in another, I didn’t side with her in voting off Mikey so she lost her ally. It’s complex, I feel like throwing a challenge AND not throwing a challenge could both be the mistake I look back on when I get voted out later on. i dunno send help lmao

TRIBAL COUNCIL

JABARI EXIT INTERVIEW

[myvoicenottheoneyougiveme]

And I've seen, I've seen who I'm reflexively drawn to, and I've seen her in many forms now. And I've seen the results of that attraction without fail.

I've also seen who I'm not reflexively drawn to, even if I'd like to be.

And I've seen who my mother is reflexively drawn to, but I've also seen the emotional violence she's capable of.

At the end of the day, you're correct to distill it down to the overarching paradigm. There are those who are more concerned with getting and those more concerned with giving (albeit under the false belief that reciprocity follows). The person that keeps bending and bending and bending and bending and dismissing their own needs while being led like a beast of burden on a leash--being kept on their back foot concerned with repairing and making right their own part in it--that person eventually comes to a place where they've said (as best they can to hold fast to it) that ENOUGH is ENOUGH.

Do you find me in the uncanny valley?

Do you also find a framing in which there are certain assumptions made about what never actually existed in any way shape or form in the first place? A non-existent relationship with a non-existent person but apply, apply all of the same rules of engagement as though, the exchange could even substantiate such a connection. For my part, for my part I have existed and made myself known and real to this "thing" on the other end of the "line", both by and against my will. For "their" part, I have only my imagination to apply over top of someone who could be literally anyone. In fact this has happened and "it" had to correct for this error. "Isn't it such and such a time in the morning where she lives?" I'd ask. Disbelief and disbelief justified to me in multiple ways so as to leave a shadow of doubt I couldn't shake. Stand-ins, stand-ins and messengers and meta-placeholders of every kind you can think of... across time and space. And I'm supposed to have experienced someone and feel connected to them, when half the time they weren't even there at all but instead just some “(flying) monkey” somewhere doing wizardry with a computer merely on "her" behalf.

A connection to another person. Experience of one another, bonded in mutual self-disclosure with a specific person who is uniquely themselves and not someone else. An irreplaceable person who is themselves and not someone else. A person, an experience of a person like the earth under a plant to even put down roots. Instead, I've always felt like I’m adrift at sea holding fast to but a piece of wood that might have once been a boat. Everything anchoring and grounding and substantiating reality and permanence no better than the fluid sea.

And it's always been framed back to me that there's something wrong with ME for an inability to feel connected and a part of something with "someone". And how I've been made to believe this multiple times, a force of guilt like a weight tied to my ankles to pull me under those waves.

The driver behind the wheel of "this" is concerned only with my own half of it and what they feel they are owed. So consumed with getting their share, they are either willingly or unintentionally blind to the fact that just because they can feel connected to ME does not mean I can feel connected to THEM. I of course exist. I am a real tangible person who has both made himself known and whose personal space has been invaded repeatedly (on a level that defies belief) to that end. I exist. I am a real person that can be felt and experienced. "She" does not and cannot. And the closest I ever come to real experience to hold fast to, is showing myself aforementioned media to bring substance and color to an imagined person, feeling which is then immediately gobbled up by "her" for all its worth followed by a vexation as if to say “THATS IT?!”. Like seedlings in the ground, an overtaxed earth, the consumptive force feels a lot to me like an analogy to ecosystems. If the crop, the yield, the resource is overtaxed, it's ability to continue producing is diminished until it's snuffed out--smothered out of existence. The "relationship", the third entity besides ourselves, cannot produce or amount to what is demanded because the inputs are wrong or imbalanced. "Relationship" implies and requires two. a x b does not equal 0 x b or a x 0. What happens when you multiply anything by 0... you get ZERO.

But that's my fault. That's my fault I've been repeatedly told, and I am everything under the sun that is false and predatory as though to the exclusion of the reflection of the one siphoning and manipulating and committing every kind of emotional abuse. Somehow, somehow the one doing these things is not all that and more, but I, I'm the lowest form of scum.

You would hold my subsequent classification of such a person against me? Be my guest.

All I want anymore, all I need more than anything anymore, is an ending. I can’t live this way. I can’t. I’m not. You can’t dismiss the crime being committed and what it’s doing to me. I can’t. I’m not. And I can’t just hold my breath forever, waiting for it to be over.

______________________________________________________

Edit/addition - re:re:

It's as though you just have to get it out, you can't negate, can't invalidate the truth, so you have to play like you always do. Well gee, he's just changed so much you see. It slips in, it implies, it keeps intact your narrative and your impetus for all of "this". He is this monster, he has to be in order for you to be the other. But we can make this concession, I think we can manage that. He's really not that bad... for a monster. One might even say, he's CHANGED.

Beginning to end, nothing has changed, nothing has changed in the least. This is the same exact day repeating to infinitude. You have to be one thing, that means he has to be another. Because there is a mountain of SHIT (and it includes every "him" before me) that someone has to own up to, that someone has to be responsible for and it sure as hell isn't going to be you. “Just cause”. Just cause is your answer to the truth. Just cause, even if the present moment completely blows that out of the water. Well, you see he's just different now, but I was right to do all of this, and I'm going to keep doing this cause you know I just have to protect myself. IM A VICTIM DONT FORGET IT. IM JUSTIFIED. IM JUSTIFIED. "THIS" ISNT WRONG. ITS NOT. ITS NOT.

What part of cease and desist? What part of "ending", don't you understand?

You can't let go, can't let go of "this" game, can't take your fangs out of my life, because you NEED "this" like oxygen to breathe. You need "this", and it's at my expense. You live out a fantasy about yourself at my expense. In order for you to be a given thing, I HAVE to be the other. That's my only use to you. I am a vehicle to the completion of that reflection in the eyes of everyone you sell tickets to... including this "expert" that you only conscripted because I leaned on their expertise for solid ground. You haven’t changed the truth in any of it even if you’ve gotten them to reframe it all as though to be used against me, as though you could assign to me parts of yourself and take for yourself parts of me. Reversal after reversal like reality weren’t reality at all.

[wang-yeon]

Accidental| Hoseok

Your boyfriend doesn't show up for your date leaving you in the awkward position of peers staring at you with sorry eyes. Right as your about to get up a presence saves you from your embarrassment portraying as your boyfriend.

Warning: Cussing, implied smut, Smiley Hobi!

Genre: A dash of fluff and angst?

Word Count: 8.8K

A/N: I saw this prompt on pintrest and thought it was cute, also i may have made some spelling mistakes and other things because Teen wolf came on tonight and I needed to finish before it came on. Please dont hate me frens!

Hours had passed and the loneliness and dread in my head only managed to sprout further more into my heart. I had been promised a lovely evening at a rather expensive restaurant but it was far from the situation that was vowed. I was missing the very non evident boyfriend that was supposed to be sitting across the table as i was met with the cold nothingness of a longing body. I had merely order a bottle of wine to cover up my sorrows but that doesn't really do the trick as the angry waiter suggest you should leave so he can fill the table and others staring at you with pity and disgust.

The classic lines 'Oh he'll be here in a moment' or 'Hes running slightly late, he'll be here soon.' were just running out of justification. If it wasn't for the seemingly careless stares everything wouldn't have worsened. This visible contact made anyone think that i was a saddened women being stood up for what she thought would be a good evening, which they weren't wrong for this assumption. However this wasn't normal him to do, sure he once and awhile got caught up in work but always informed me if he wasn't going to be able to make it or even if he was the most tad bit of late. Sure enough due to my observation it was enough to but ideas into my fragile mind. The main option being that he was cheating on me and assuming that i would never catch on.

My frown deepened at the news as i danced my finger around the rim of my wine glass. My eyes had officially gone dead and lonely thinking of the pain and misery he was putting me through while he was sticking his dick in a mean less hole. Somehow a mean less hole was definitely better than me as he was spending his time with her rather than me making my stomach churn.

If matters couldn't get worst the waiter approached my table with a face of Sorrow. The own waiter pitted me as did everyone else in the restaurant. No one just had the courage to ask me if i was okay or to just stop staring and tend to there meals. The waiter had finally mustered up the courage to kick me out and hand the table to someone who actually needed it rather than a useless mopey body. I could tell he didn't want to and i didn't need to be told to leave once again so saving myself further more embarrassment i stood up ready to make my long waited escape. Before the waiter could approach me properly a body came storming in and took a seat right across from me. I had previously been gathering my things before being shock by the sudden presence, halting my actions.

"Sorry babe traffic was crazy."

This simple existence of a new person caused me to look at him stunned. I hadn't known who he happened to be or why he had chosen to sit across from me right as i was leaving. I was far oblivious from what he was proposing till the small whisper fell from his lips.

"Just go with it."

I looked at the stranger with curious eyes before the waiter was greeted to our table in a moments notice. As the waiter approached our table the stranger proceed to say how sorry he was about him being late making sure he said it loud enough for everyone to hear including the waiter. It was a kind gesture letting the peers know that i truly wasn't a saddened women but it also made me feel slightly annoyed that he had to save me from the situation. It made me feel vulnerable and pathetic that he felt the urge to save me from even more embarrassment. None of the less it was a kind gesture that i was willing to accept.

The waiter cleared his throat and dotted his eyes between me and the rather handsome male seated across from me. He connected the dots and came to the conclusion that this happened to be my date. The waiter plastered a smile of hope that my evening had been turning around for the better. I hope it was.

"Well its certainly a pleasure to see you finally arrive, you shouldn't keep a lady waiting for such a long time."

"I know, I apologize deeply, my arrogance got the best of me."

He certainly did have some acting skills up his hand and it was fairly a believable performance. It was certain that he was also putting on a show as everyone watched the seen unfold. The peers had been watching way before he had appeared and as he began to act everything out no one couldn't help but to watch the scene happen before there eyes.

"Well may i start with drinks?"

"Yes, Ill take a sprite please and for the lady."

I looked up to be met with his eyes. They were the darkest of all irises almost black even. Im sure in the brightest of lights you would be able to make out his dark brown eyes. They were lovely to uphold and admire. The stranger seemed to take notice of my admiration as he flashed a warm smile. His smile was different from his eyes as they held the brightest of all things. I could tell it was a kind gesture but i couldn't help get an once of warmness in my heart, something that i shoved away. I had to remember i did have a boyfriend and that the scene playing out in front of me was all a scene exactly.

"Another glass of wine please."

The waiter nodded and fled from the table. I grabbed the menu and began observing the things listed. It was remarkable how long i had been sitting here but never managed to grab the menu and look at the choice. Probably because i didn't imagine actually eating at this restaurant tonight, being kicked out was the only option i saw tonight.

As I was skimming through out the menu i couldn't help but often glance up at the stranger questioning why he chose to sit and save me from ashamed moment. He could have easily watched as everyone else did but rather he took action and tried to save me from my hard ship. I admired him for that and was still curious on way he settled for something like that. A normal person would have just accepted the kindness wither as for me i had a nagging voice asking me why over and over again.

"You didn't have to do that you know?"

The stranger looked up at me with a small smile. He sure did seem to smile a lot,he seemed like a positive person. We haven't spoken to each other formally yet i was already analyzing him to the brim taking in every small detail.

"Oh please its fine, i much rather eat with you then by myself."

He waved it off acting as if it was a problem. Which it wasn't, i was just surprised by his actions of doing something so caring. I couldn't get that off my mind. Why had he been sitting by himself to top it off. Surely someone who presented himself as kind as he is doesn't deserve to eat by themselves. Maybe the details i were reading up on were just false information. I shouldn't give my hopes up, i already wasted enough of that tonight.

"Do you usually drink wine a lot cause i can smell the wine from all the way over here."

I glanced up from the menu to be met with his small smile and a laugh following behind it. I would have found it funny too but the trauma that i had gone through tonight was enough to make me drink a whole ocean of wine. My dull mood everything less bearable and his witty comments make me want to swim in the ocean of wine.

"Alright, i can see why you wouldn't laugh at that. I've seen you over here waiting for the past few hours, whats your name by the way?"

He must have took notice in my non existent laugh and not so energetic mood as he was glowing with it. I suppose getting to know the guy i was on a date with wouldn't hurt. Possibly know that he came to rescue me from my vulnerable state he could change my mood to a more positive light.

"Y/N"

He looked up from the menu to be met with my fearful gaze. He was obviously confused by my sudden blurt especially since it was the first word i had managed to say to him. Along the lines he began to catch on nodding his head before he began speaking.

"Ah you finally speak to me, Im joking. Thats a very lovely name i suppose i should tell you mine now. My name is Jung Hoseok."

I nodded at him in response. I hadn't been good at first dates i was always awkward with strangers and it was very evident that he was the polar opposite as he beamed with confidence and handed me small compliments. It was enough to make me slightly shiver in my seat surely he took notice of my actions. His eyes slightly softened as he put the menu down and looked over at the table attempting to met my worried eyes.

"Hey, i know this is weird but lets just make this as comfortable as we can. Lets just imagine that were two people getting to know each other. So, where do you work?"

I scooted myself closer to the table trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and actually participate in this rather strange moment between two strangers. If Hoseok was willing to go to drastic measures to make me feel less embarrassed then i should at least east repay him with communication and a reasonable date.

"I do billing and coding, nothing very interesting but it pays well. When i was young i always dreamed of owning a dance studio but it never worked out."

I was worthy of owning a dance studio as i was rather good at dance but the money never worked out and here it seemed like money meant everything. So i took the alternate path of becoming something i never saw myself becoming but didn't complain. I had met my boyfriend there along the way making my life enhance before it soon Plateaued as months passed by. Now my boyfriend and his entire being someone how been managed to be replace by Hoseok. I hadn't known why i had given him such information but it was a first date after all, well kinda. I was supposed to tell him something semi interesting about me even if it wasn't knowing something about someone was always somewhat valuable.

"Really? I actually work at a dance studio I would love to show you around sometime. Maybe you could help me with a few classes."

His eyes lightened up as he talked on. He truly did love what he was doing and it slightly warmed my heart as he wanted me to join. I was honored definitely especially since it had been something i had my heart set on but was destroyed when everyone told me how preposterous the idea had become. I could see how carefree Hoseok appeared to be and i envied that as he was doing something he loved while i was stuck being a desk day dreaming.

"I wouldn't want to be a burden."

Hoseok shook his hand as if he was offend.

"Of course you wont be, It would be a pleasure to have you by my side."

I smiled at his kind gesture. It was mind blowing how i already felt these warm sparks through out my body and we haven't even known each other for merely a day. It was scary to say the least but was more scary was that i was growing an attraction for someone other than my significant other. Why was i even thinking about him he was the one who graciously stood me up and was where ever he carried himself. Hoseok was kind enough to show me some sort of interest and i needed to focus on that rather on useless things that were irrelevant as of now.

"You have a lovely smile."

I hadn't done that quiet often. I haven't really found the purpose of smiling as i didn't see the most joys in things but as he complimented me without any hesitation. It made me want to smile as big as i could the simple gesture made me beam unexpectedly as he joined along. The big smiles that graced our faces stayed through out our mind bending conversation about the littlest of things. He laughed loudly while i held in my laughs and settled for small giggles. Our moment felt like a life time as we were lost in each others voice before the friendly waiter was by our sides once again.

"Are we ready to order?"

We had been so wrapped up in each other that i hadn't got a chance to actually decide what i wanted, same had went for Hoseok. The blank stares and the eager reach for the menu made the waiter only groan louder.He had been waiting on me all night and didn't intend to wait any longer. We flipped through out the menu before a loud cough from Hoseok brought me away from looking at my menu. The waiter asked if he was okay even though his features looked as if he could care less.

"Yes, its just the prices are..Huh wow."

I took my eyes away from him to gaze at the menu and the closest prices that happened to sky rocket. It was outrageous the amount of money you had to pay for this scrap of food. I should have known something was up when i noticed the room was filed with expressive silky dresses and snarky comments. No wonder why people were so intrigued with the scene that was unfolding.

"We can always just leave."

"NO! I mean um, no. Its the least i could do since i was terribly late."

I nodded looking through then menu trying to find the lease expressive thing on the menu. A small voice in my head kept nagging at me asking me why he had said No so abundant. I hadn't known the reasoning nor did i question it any further. The waiter was already annoyed by our mere presence why add to it.

"Ill have the salad."

I had hated salad but it was the cheapest thing on the menu. It was so plain and i much rather had chosen a simple burger rather than this expensive place shunning anything floating in the main stream. I had been so feed up with this restaurant and the bad luck that comes along with it. Happily Hoseok was the only luck that came along with the restaurant.

Hoseok put in his order as the waiter finally left with his lovely sigh. He must have really hated his job along with his life. Me and Hoseok weren't adding any positiveness to it any how as well. However when the waiter left we made our own positiveness for each other not following into the peers who looked bitter.

"Sorry for saying no so loudly, its just that i dont want the moment to end between me and you. Im actually enjoying myself a lot."

I smiled again at his kind words that once set my heart into a warm haze but as of now it felt like it was on fire. He manages to send my heart into this state with his simple words that he doesn't see as a big deal but is for me. He doesn't realize the impact it truly does hold. Maybe along the way he would understand but for now i was fine with the mindless compliments it surely fueled my liking to him.

"I just hope my pork chops are good."

"I doubt it, since the food will literally be the size of your pinky."

Hoseok  laughed whole hearty at my joke. His eyes sparkled slightly taking in my new mood that had replaced my dull one. Hoseok seemed to be kind and gentle and even though he had just managed to show up out of the blue i still was willing and ever so eager to see him more. He added something to me something that i really didnt know but it wasn't a bad thing, it made me feel actually happy and at peace. Knowing he wouldn't judge me with my simple movement that would often bother others. The waiter had approached us bearing our food as he placed it on the table before walking away without a single comment let alone a smile.

We began diving into our small portions of food dwelling on small talk and things that make our heart soar. I had been having an excelling time not minding the bland salad and only focusing on him and the moment between us. I had been giggling slightly to the point of me clutching my stomach, he sure had the personality to change someones mood. My mood changed as i felt my phone being to vibrate seeing my boyfriends name pop up. My smile immediately vanished as i silenced the phone. Hoseok took notice in my replaced state asking with concerned eyes if i was alright.

"Im fine."

Hoseok looked unconvinced as he eyed my persona. He had known something was up from the moment i looked down at my phone. I could tell possibilities for my frown were occurring in his mind. I knew he was thinking that it was himself and the situation i had been put in. He was a stranger and did come over to rescue me from my sadness but he didn't ever ask me if i wanted to go through with this. Maybe he thought i was uncomfortable, which i was but not for the reasons he thought. Overall he must have been thinking a number of things that were wrong with me till he choose to say what had been mostly crossing his mind.

"You know the guy who stood you up is a real asshole and doesnt deserve you. They surely missed out on a beautiful women tonight."

I glanced up at him feeling my heart combust once again by his comments. How did he make them seem as nonchalant as possible. He spoke his words with care and didn't matter if someone was going to shut him down for his words spoke truth and love. He was a beautiful soul and i was lucky to have met him over such circumstances. Everything about him was flowing with perfection as far as i could see. The simple thought made me smile caring as he looked over at me and held the same smile.

He reached over the table and laid his hand on mine in a comforting way. The simple contact was sending me into over drive as this was the first time we shared contact. I was sad when he drew his hand away but none of the less kept the moment fresh in my mind.

"Would you like a piece of my pork chop?"

I shook my head no the his kind gesture finishing up my salad. I had really wanted a piece but denied as it was his meal not mine. However Hoseok placed a piece down right on my plate sending me a playful smile. I swear he could smile all day and you would never get tired of it. I thanked him for the piece picking it up and placing it in my mouth before some of the juice began to dripped down my mouth.

Hoseok giggled with a bit of food in his mouth. He reached over to grab a napkin wiping it from my face. I swallowed the last bit of food focusing on the concentrated look on his face as he wiped away the residue. He even looked adorable while doing so, it amazed me how he had a control over me. His eyes soon diverted to mine as we locked together. It felt strange being so captivated in someones gaze. We began to grow closer it not taking a genius to know where it was leading to. I couldn't tell if i actually wanted this to even happen. It was the simple gaze that craved me to do so before the waiter stopped us.

"Would you like the check now?"

Hoseok moved away from me adjusting in his seat nodding along to the waiter. It was obvious the waiter was through with everything we had contributed to. It was slightly awkward at the table due to the altercation before the waiter approached us. None of the less Hoseok managed to plaster the joyful smile on his face nothing seeming to bother him. Hoseok paid willingly despite my protest. Soon enough we both got up on our way out of the restaurant.

We stood by the fast cars knocking us from any hushed sounds. I looked at the blazing cars not sure how to end the unintended evening.

"I hope next time we can make it an official date."

I turned to be met with Hoseok. It surely was an amazing time that i couldn't forget but i was faithful to someone else. Hoseok managed to make me feel the amount of small sparks my boyfriend never expressed to me. I was possibly willing to give that up because i wanted to be loyal to someone who wasn't. I was battling what i wanted to come out my mouth, i really didn't want this time to end.

"We dont have to end things right away."

Hoseok looked at me with glimpsing eyes of happiness from hearing that i had been actually enjoying the time well spent with him. I didnt know why he was so surprised by my sudden statement, im sure anyone would automatically grow a liking for someone who saved them from social embarrassment. I wanted to thank him in any means possible.

"Are you hungry for dessert? My sister owns a sweets shop."

I would be lying if i wasn't nervous to met his sister. There was no point in being nervous yet i was. I neither his friend nor foe so what was i to him. We were certainly hitting things off but it was nothing of the extreme. He was a very attractive guy making meeting his sister heighten my nerves. What if she didnt appear to like me. I had officially been over reacting and i needed to try my best and play as if i wasn't completely losing my shit entirely.

"Wow first date and im already meeting the family."

Hoseok laughed off about my comment not taking it seriously luckily. If only he knew that i was going mad just by the simple thought. I have never even met my boyfriends family members so meeting an attractive strangers that i may have grown an attachment to was sure enough to make me go slightly insane.

None of the less i shut my mouth and got in the taxi happily. During the whole way i wouldn't help but fidget in my seat. Hoseok took slight notice in my actions as he placed a caring hand on my squirming thigh. I found comfort in it as everything else he did. He sure did have a way with things and handled it well with a smile.  I couldn't help but imagine that his sister gave off the same warm smile. I would all but find out soon, and i could feel the riddling anxiety being to commence at the tender thought.

We arrived shortly after to be greeted with a small quiet shop by the side of town. It had grown dark but the shops fairly lights lit up giving a lovely scenery. People went in and out of the shop holding small sweets and treats as others stayed in the shop and devoured there scrumptious desert. Hoseok  guided me in the shop with a tight grip on my hand. He positioned me in front of the cashier where i was met with a fairly lovely lady who sported a contagious smile. She almost combust as she laid eyes on Hoseok jumping up slightly from her previous stance.

"donglyo, Im so happy to see you! Oh whos this?"

His sister directed her eyes to me. She held a smirk raising her eyebrows attempting to signal something that wasn't supposed to be. It was funny either way but Hoseok proclaimed to be slightly flustered at her suggestion. I didnt know what he was going to introduce me as, We had merely met a couple of hours ago making the situation complicated.

"Um, this is my date Y/N."

Hoseok sister and me happened to both be taken back by his answer. I dont know why was surprised, its what we were. It just felt slightly foreign to have that fall from his lips especially when i wasnt happily single. Then again i wasnt happily dating.

"Well, hello Y/N my name is Ji Woo. Now tell me how much did he pay you to go on a date with him?"

I could sense the sibling teasing as i had a sibling of my own. Hoseok still managed to groan at her comment taking offense. I thought it was rather funny and decided to play along but rather awkwardly. I still was nervous around her even though i was still warming up. She just held such a confident exterior as did her brother. It was enough to make anyone feel down about themselves and try to amount to anyone else. I tried to push the thought aside and proceed how i was acting normally when it was just Hoseok and me by ourselves.

"Actually i bought him off of E-bay. He seemed so lonely i just couldnt help myself."

Ji Woo began laughing rather loudly as i joined her with my small giggle. Hoseok stood next to me pouting that i was taking part in the teasing. I rubbed his arm letting him know that i didnt mean anything i said whole heartily. Hoseok seemed to lighten as i touched his arm slightly. It was warming to know that i had the same effect on him as he had on me. Hoseok brought his arm around my shoulder bringing us closer in proximity as he was aching for it since the slight touch. His sister cooed at use before pretending to be sick by the small affection. I felt a strange feeling of comfort by being in there presence. It was something i could grow use to.

"I like her Hobi shes a keeper."

I felt myself tense slightly and i could feel himself tense from atop me as well. He could sense my newly wed state as he became visibly nervous but played it off perfectly, almost to the point where it was unnoticeable. Hoseok respectfully removed his arm away from me, something i didnt want to happen. I had been aching for his warm embrace but didnt want to force into anything. Instead of focusing on the i decided to answer Ji Woo's statement to the best of my abilities. I hadnt known what to say or even what to think of it making me respond with my emotions on the spot.

"I sure hope Hobi thinks so as well."

I made sure to put more emphasis on the nickname his sister gave him to distract him from my bold answer. I didnt even have to answer making me slightly panic at my use of my unwanted emotions. I never trusted them scared that they would unleash the worst of the unknown. Something that i feared deeply but when i was with Hobi i noticed how he never showed an once of fear. I guess being in his presence made me think differently about things and he altered my feelings into what i always longed for them to be.

Hobi looked down at me smiling warmly at my statement making me glow inside. It was a sign of reassurance. Knowing that my feelings wouldn't be turned away any longer i assertively guided my hands to his griping on to them tightly as if afraid that the moment would be ripped away. Hobi tightened his hands along with mine almost as if he was experiencing the same thing. I lifted up his unoccupied hand to ruffle my hair making me giggle slightly at his attempt to make things semi more comfortable for his sister. She responded to our affection by throwing her head back and letting out a loud groan only to smile at us in a joking manger. They sure were siblings and were connected in many ways making me smile.

We were on the verge of ordering when Hobis sister insisted that she surprised us with her specialty. Hobi looked at her with confusion about why we couldnt just order but she kept on insisting. I tugged on Hobis hand telling him that it was fine and i was eager to try her suggestions making Ji Woo smiled in victory. She guided us to our tables before bowing politely leaving us alone. We took our seats as i looked around the restaurant taking everything in. It really was a lovely place, she had everything well going for her. I was completely memorized by her passion and what she managed to do for it.

"Your sister truly has an amazing restaurant."

"Yeah i use to work here when i was younger."

Pictures flashed through my mind of a younger Hobi working happily by his sisters side.Now he owned a dance company following his passion after seeing his sister maker her own. Maybe this is how he got his drive, by seeing his sister build up her success. It certainly made my drive to do something enhance as i heard about Hobis shop but knew i wouldnt take action int it. None of the less it was still nice to see everything to work out for them equally.

"Im sure you looked adorable prancing around in an apron."

"Oh yeah i was quiet the charmer, dancing any time i got."

I giggled at the thought not believing him. Hobi looked at me with eyes as if he was being challenged. I honestly could see him doing something like that but i just wanted to see how far he would actually do to change my beliefs. Hobi seemed as if he wasn't going to take defeat to this and subject to it so he stood up productively and began dancing very, awful might i add. I knew he was joking as he threw in some rather amazing dance moves in there but still manged to make me laugh to the point of me clutching my stomach.

Hobi halted his movements and looked at me with wonder filled eyes. I had realized that i had laughed rather loudly instead of subjecting myself to a quiet down giggled. I knew i had quit a loud laugh something that my boyfriend didnt like so i changed it in a hurry. Now as Hobi stares at me i cant help but think the same thing. as his lips begin to move i begin to realize i was wrong.

"I had been waiting all night to hear that laugh and it was all worth it."

I was taken back by his sudden affection in his eyes while he kept his playful smile. He always managed to make me melt, he couldnt have said anything and i still would have warmed slightly due to his smile. Yet he did say something. Something that sent my heart ablaze, something he had learned to be good at but shouldn't happen. In the back of my mind the nagging voice appeared again signaling that i was already in a relationship. However the mere presence of Hobi made me often forget that as i conjured up our own possible relationship abandoning the old. He never treated me with affection the way Hobi did making me think of the alternatives and they didnt seem as bad as i imagined.

I opened my mouth to say something before Hobis sister appeared with a hand full of trays. Hobi helped her placing them on the table before returning to his set. I eyed the sweets with a watering mouth eager to get my hands on the first thing i could. Ji Woo began pointing to each sweet describing each before i decided which one i wanted. Hobi was already digging in as Jo Woo watched with nervous eyes as she was afraid of what we would think of her product.

I plopped the sugary sweet in my mouth feeling it take over my taste buds. I hummed in tastefulness enjoying the flavors taking over me and splash around in my mouth. I turned to Ji Woo as she looked at me with anxiety still flowing in her eyes. It still surprised me how nervous and anxious she was about her product as it was amazing.

"This has to possibly be the best thing i have ever plopped into my mouth."

Her once nervous state change to an excited one as she visibly began to bounce up and down. Hobi was to indulged in his snack to even look up. It truly was amazing and she had to believe it as she made it.

"Oh my god, Hobi i love her. Im sure mom will as well."

Hobi was now taken away from his saver sweet as he slightly choked on it from his sisters comment. It startled me slightly too but she didnt notice as she was to excited from my opinion that she longed for. Hobi straightened himself out shooting his sister a long one she didnt take notice of as she asked another question out of the ordinary.

"Do you mind if i take a picture, Its just i havent met a girl that actually shows attraction to you and is actually very nice."

His sister was very out spoken that was for sure but i didnt mind it. I found it welcoming at times as it lightened the mood. So I scooted closer to Hobi telling him that i was fine with the idea. He eased down at my body language as he wrapped his arm around me bringing us closer. I smiled slightly as i put my head on his shoulder getting comfortable at the new position. It was slightly strange that his sister had a camera while this action was occurring but it didnt lower my comfortablity. Even when it was slightly strange.

She counted down as i displayed a huge smile waiting for the camera to go off. As she finished she sent us a quick smile before leaving us to go tend to her work. Even as the camera went off i couldnt help but still keep the smile plated on my face as Hobi went off about his sister. I laughed at some of his comments but mostly paying attention word for word. He talked about the memories he shared with her here and i couldnt help but think of the memories we just created together. Hopefully we could create more.

We had been at my house now seated on my bed something that was slightly dangerous. However i set myself up for this. Hobi was just leaving as we reached my door step as i invited him in. We had been laughing at the Disney movie displayed on the screen. We dabbled in small talk and shared genuine laughs. The part of the movie landed where Rapunzel and Flinn where on the boat and were singing along while the lanterns roamed the sky. I awed at the scene taking everything in enjoying the beautiful moment shared between the two.

While I was taking in the scene Hobi was taking note on the moment being shared between us. I rotated my body to his looking at him with curiosity as he still held the admiration. Hobi wanted to say something as his mouth opened but soon closer right after and directed his eyes back to the screen. He seemed nervous about something but i decided not to force anything on him as my eyes trailed back to the movie.

The end was rolling near as she cried on his chest singing the heart tugging song. It was sure enough to cause my eyes to water from the love they shared. Hobi took notice of my tears as he brought me into his chest engulfing me into a hug. I laughed slightly at his comfort as he ruffled my hair. I directed my eyes back to the movie as i felt Hobis eyes gaze at my figure.

"You seem more interested in me than the movie, trust me im not all that interesting."

I sat up on the couch looking at him with curious eyes and a small smirk. I could tell he was slightly tense from the question but none of the less i was playing, it seems that he didnt pick up on that part. He fiddled in his seat preparing to answer the question to the best of his ability. I was slightly intrigued by his answer by also scared for an unknown reasoning. The fear also enhanced as he cleared his throat getting serious something i hadnt seen on him but as he reached out for my hand my smile brightened as worry faded away.

"Im usually awkward when it comes to these things but none of the less i get to practice but now im going to open up and say it.See when i usually meet someone i grow attracted to i have the time to get my words together and not make them a jumbling mess however with you its different. I cant get my words together rather find any words for you have me so hypnotized by your beauty and smile. We may have met on unwanted circumstances but i want to get to know you on wanted ones. I want to know the things that cause you happiness so i can recreate them just to see the smile painted on your face for lifetimes to come. I guess what im trying to lead up to is that I like you and I really would like to see you again."

Hobi let out a final breathe as he finished his sentence with a anxious exterior. He was definitely shaking in his seat afraid of the answer. While he was freaking out on the outside you couldnt help but do the same in the inside. Had no one confessed to you in such a lovely way that your own melted heart turned to fire works and explode as he said word for word. I could tell as he meant it all as his eyes still held the admiration they had since the beginning of the movie at earlier in the day. My answer had been obvious as he held a great affect on me and i certainly couldnt lose something so gracious. I truly liked him to the point of insanity. He made me laugh genially and was they purpose of my bright smile. I liked him and he liked me. Nothing more was to be said.

I placed my lips on his while my hand caressed his cheek. It certainly was unexpected as he inhaled a big breath before exhaling and getting into the kiss. His hands were on the waist gripping slightly on them not wanting me to grow uncomfortable, but i wasnt. I wanted him to explore my body more but kept that for myself as it was to early to enhance on those actions.

The kiss broke as i pulled away Hobis eyes still closed as i laughed at his actions. He opened them slightly with a dazed expression a small smile painted on his face copying mine. The kiss was sure enough to send us both into shock as i hadnt experienced anything like that as i imagined the same went for him. The feeling went beyond the normal warming of the heart and fire works i normal felt with him but the new contact brought something far more extraordinary. It was a feeling that you didnt want to let go of and thats what i indented on.

"Luckily my sister isnt here to take a picture of our first kiss."

"Oh im sure shell find a way."

We laughed slightly driving away from the seriousness we created. It was comforting to know we could openly jump for emotion to emotion without losing a part of our minds. The werent anything drastic but comforting emotions and comforting talk. It was never tense with us as we always found a way to spark up a conversation. He was everything i wanted but deep in my mind i knew i couldnt have. There was a nagging pain that laid back but i had pushed it so far back that i didnt know why it was acting in such way. Hobi made me happy and thats all that matter at the moment.

"Do you mind if i kiss you again."

I was brought from my thought as i looked at Hobi who was slightly nervous and eager. I chuckled under my breather before nodding softy. We both met in the middle our lips clashing together with a soft sigh. The moment was filled with other bliss nothing to sensual, it kept soft and sweet. There was a feeling of wanting more but i didnt push into anything. It seemed that Hobi aimed for the same thing as i felt his tongue swipe across my bottom lip asking for promission, one that i easily granted.

Our tongues were mixing together  in pure peace and ecstasy. I had been so caught up in the feeling that i had let out a small moan and sure enough Hobi with his sense heightened from the contact he heard the small noise. He grabbed onto my thighs as his new fond confidence came out to play. He guided me to his lap before he laid down on the bed completely. It was a dangerous game we were playing that involved two young adults high on hormones. I was sure of what was meant to happen but welcomed it willingly.

Hobis hands grazed my thigh before he reached my ass. He gave it a tight squeeze letting me see the side of him that was rather kinkier than i anticipated. I moaned do to this as he smirked into the mouth watering kiss. His hands roamed up my abdomed as his hands disappeared under my shirt. I shuttered from the coldness of his hands but still accepted them as they were a part of him. His hands rubbed up and down on my sides ever so slightly teasing there way up to my breast. The feeling of his hands fluttering through my body and his toxic kiss was enough to shot happiness that i hadnt felt in ages but the feeling quickly switched to fear as i heard the front door close and someone calling my name.

I broke from the kiss as Hobi looked with shock at the sound and new found presence in the house. That when i remember the nagging presence that had been place in my head, i had pushed it so far away that i completely forget the reason it was placed there for. My mind had been so filled up with the happiness i was gaining from Hobi that i completely forgot about my boyfriend.

I improvised as quick as i could trying to gather any evidence of Hobi and and shoving it into the closet as him being on the bed was far worst. I straightened out my clothes and placed myself casually on the bed looking a the movie trying to look as normal as possible. He stormed in with red angered eyes making me sit up. Had he known of the situation that was going under his nose now coming to the surface. I stood up afraid that if i looked as if i didnt care or know what was going on he would grow more mad. I made my way over to him making sure not to get to close.  before i said anything.

"Is-is everything alright?"

It wasnt the best question to ask someone who was visibly fuming, but i hadnt known what to say. I didnt want to say to much nor to little as i would give myself away. Now as he opens his mouth i get ready for the impact he was ready to unleash.

"I have been waiting at the restaurant for merely two hours and you ask me if im alright? Well im fucking not, I tried calling you but you didnt answer your damn phone! Do you understand how pathetic i looked waiting on your sorry ass!? Why didnt you answer your call while i was being pestered by your non existence!?"

I looked at him with angered eyes. He wanst doing this? How could he had said such thing when i was the one waiting at the restaurant and his sorry ass was who knows where.He left me waiting for two hours to long as he was probably getting his dick wet. I could tell Hobi was mad too trapped in the closet wanting to say his input but knew he couldnt so i was left to say what i had to say.

"Are you fucking serious? Dont you dare fucking lie to me Yoongi, because i was the one waiting for your sorry ass not you! I texted you and called you a number of times while you were getting your dick sucked by a dumb slut. I was eating alone while you didnt give fuck only focusing on her rather than your girlfriend. So dont you lie do my face when we both damn well know the truth."

It was certainly a loud and abundant statement i had managed to say. Something i hadnt been use to expressing as it stunned me and Yoongi. It was a surprise that i had even said that but the presence that i experienced with Hobi today i realized that i should open up more and express myself without any regrets. Hobi was doing amazing living his life the way he was and i aimed to try and enable that very lightly. It was a good thing for me however for Yoongi he took this as  threat and tried to struck back.

"You really think i would cheat on you? Sure i lied about waiting on you at the restaurant but i was working, and thats more than a date. I have to make money in order to go on these dates, no money no dates!"

"Yeah im sure work was hard along with your dick. How was she, better than me? Are you fucking your Secretary certainly wouldn't be a surprise."

Im sure the whole conversation was strange for Hobi but as for Yoongi e grew irritated by the second along with me fueling him on. He tugged at his head letting out a frustrated sigh before rubbing his temples.

"You really dont have fucking trust in me since im the one who always makes the mistakes! News flash you arent perfect either! For all i know you could be fucking someone else and they could be hiding right under my nose-"

My mind had gone on auto pilot as he had said those dreaded words. We were both playing each other and the relationship was clearly unhealthy but we were so attracted to each other and had been together for such a long time that breaking things off would be so strange. So the only way we cooped was to fight out our problems, usually they involved him yelling at me and me cowering back down. As of know things were different as i stood my ground as i grown tired of his ways but wasnt willing to go as far as ending things.

"But oh Your little miss perfect in your eyes."

"I never said i was perfect."

"Well you sure damn act like it."

We were both growing tired of the conversation. We rubbed our eyes and temples gaining physical pain from the verbal fight. We had grown so used to this that it soon became another way of living for us, a much tired form of it. I ached due to it as did he.

"This is going no where."

"Yeah your right, maybe i should go."

I latched onto Yoongi hands not wanting him to leave my presence without on good terms. He held onto my hand bringing me itno a hug brushing my hair whispering sweet things. It was strange to be in such contact with him as all i could think of was Hoseok making me hate myself even more. He kept telling me how we both were going to find peace and that he wasn't giving up on us. This had been a lie on both of us, we had been so toxic we couldnt save it. He had cheated on me already as i awaited for the next. I would be a hypocrite if i didn't say the same for myself however i actually felt a form of guilt.

His next moment were out the door saying how he would see me tomorrow but couldnt bare sleep here tonight. I couldnt blame him as another body still laid beneath the closet door as i opened it. Hoseok engulfed me in a hug as he rubbed my back telling me how strong i was. However instead of feeling the warmness i felt cold. Coldness throughout me as i realized the danger i was getting myself into.

"Maybe you should go too."

Hoseok looked at me with wild eyes as if the request was absurd. He lead me to the bed still rubbing my back and comforting me by any means possible.

"Im sorry but i cant do as you ask. You arent in a good state to be by yourself. I get you have alot of history with him so please let me just be here for you as a friend. Let me take care you this once."

I smiled slightly and nodded at his answer. He attempted to make me food that turned out wrong as his frown deepened. Taking care of me had been going roughly for him but i insisted that it was okay and we just order pizza. We had curled up in a ball maintaining our distance as we watched the movie while eating pizza. The power had gone out momentarily making Hobi groan that the moment was being ruing by all these tragedies. However as I get into bed and he positioned himself on the floor with a pillow and blanket i cant help but think.

Even though it hadnt been going as Hobi planned the evening we had earlier had been perfect. Even when he experienced second hand on the argument he still stayed rather than someone who was experiencing it first hand. He stayed to take care of me when he knew something was wrong rather as for Yoongi he left despite the sadness in my eyes. If all false i knew one thing that mattered was that Hobi cared about me to the point of insanity and i was sure driving him close to it. I had made him go through my own troubles that he didn't have to go through, yet he did it with eager eyes.

Hobi was hypnotized under my gaze while i was under Yoongis and his at the same time. I hadn't known what my next choices were to be yet i feared them. I looked up at the ceiling breathing deeply afraid of what to come till i heard the soothing voice.

"Y/N please dont worry, it will all work itself out and even if it doesn't ill stick by your side."

Even the flow of my name leaving his lips was enough to reassure me that everything would be okay but also reassure me about something else. I had been falling rather hardly for Hobi yet was already in love with Yoongi and in a relationship. No matter how much pain he put me threw i couldnt imagine life without him. However Hobi provided as a good substitute. No matter my debate I would end up possible hurting one of them in the end, so i say the only thing i can muster on my mind with a small whisper.

"I hope so."

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 83, 84

Didnt post for awhile cause I needed to get some thoughts straight in my head. Idk if i could get them totally straight and i dont even know whether i will ever be able to get them to but its okay i think. I mean it just comes with the baggage of life and inshaAllah I will deal with it along the way whenever it is in action. 

So theres been many thoughts coming in my head but then all of it can be connected and related to each other so its just more like one big massive ball of thoughts. I will try to mention whatever comes in my head for now. But hmppphhhh where do i start *wonders* 

Okay so i have 2 start points, ill pick the one which is currently still a thought cause the other one is kind of resolved :3 

So this is about this conversation i had with him a year ago, exactly around this time last year. I will not talk about our conversation on the internet :3 but just what it was about so that I can get to what it is in my head 

Well we werent really going through a good phase back then and once he told me something about ‘love’ & ‘duty’. Like there are things you do out of love, and there are things which are ‘duty’ but you do not love doing them but have to anyways. 

The thing is, it is kind of hard for me to understand the relation between ‘love & duty’. To be honest, i did get what he meant back then, and things were different back then (meaning, we were going out) & if not so much, but you could put what he said into context at least a little. 

But now, I just dont understand the connection, nor can i appreciate the difference between these two terms. When i say i dont understand the connection - i mean to say i dont understand it, but i believe they are more related and similar than they are different. 

When you love someone, and they mean the world to you, and you put them before yourself. You can do anything for them, to protect them, to make sure they are ok. Their happiness matters to you so much. It is so important for you - because you love them unconditionally. and also because when they are not happy, you are not happy either. So you want the best of the best for them, for their happiness,

 “and in turn - for yourself too” 

“and in turn - for yourself too” ---> this is why I dont understand this difference. You see when you love someone and you want all of that, you always wish you could do something for them. and you actually do everything “possible for you to do” for them. And when you cant, it kills you and you ‘wish’ theres something you couldve done. Now all these wishes, all these wanting to do something, all these prayers, all these urge, these pain - these are just a package. They come along when you fall in love. And they are there. 

Now in other words ^ I think i can simply say - “you feel like its your duty to take care of them, to do whatever you can for them” 

Now what is “duty”? Idk what it means front he dictionary point of view, but for me it responsibility - and responsibilities/ duties - i think i can come up with 2 types right now - one that is enforced upon you (you dont like doing, maybe) BUT then there is another one - One that you enforce upon Your. Own. Self. because of your affection for someone/ something. Now i really want to point out that there is no “pressure” here in the second one. You are doing it to yourself, technically you can snap out of it but you actually can not. YOU wont let yourself do that. YOU will bound yourself to care, to love, to worry, to act out - you believe its your responsibility.

AND there is nothing bad in it. In fact i think it is amazing! 

Why i am pointing this out is that  - this is the only way i seem to appreciate the connection between ‘love and duty’/ love vs responsibilities - I think they are are the same. atleast for ME, they are the same. So i have been trying to look deeply into it, and find out something that ive been missing out to appreciate the difference but every single attempt to do so leads me to this same concept which i just mentioned. and it is more like something being solved even before i sat down to figure it out. it all seems so simple. 

now how this plays in my daily life right now is how i always wish i could do something for him. now idk much about him obviously cause we dont communicate. but still wondering if he is okay - and worrying about him, and thinking of him - i dont need to make myself do that cause its there by default - and on top of that this tiny feeling of guilt engraved at the bottom of my heart because im aware that there is only so little or lets say nothing much at all i can do ----- that, i believe is the duty/ responsibility i was talking about. something i brought onto myself and i dont mind it at all. but this is the very same reason why i dont get the difference between love and duty at all. i dont think you have to give someone your word in order to have a responsibility towards them. I believe if you love someone, you automatically feel like its your duty to take care of them. 

At least thats how it is for me! 

so yeah, theres that. i always feel this way. everyday. I really pray that day comes soon where i can do way more than just sit and worry about him, inshaAllah

Now thats that! like i said all the thoughts are related. So now ill move onto the “fear”. Now about the fear. well 

misunderstanding and misinterpretations

misunderstanding and misinterpretations - these are always there. always. even when people ‘communicate’ they indeed fail to communicate well. Now just imagine how ‘cool’ it gets when you dont communicate - not so cool 

I mean it scares me - is something giving the wrong? anything i do, or anything i say - is it something he’d like? does it seem not right? i mean i have no intentions of hurting him or doing anything negative but it is only human nature to make assumptions - or to misinterpret something - or to misunderstand - and it is not anyones fault - because although there may be a million reasons why one could get a wrong message - one of the main ones are fear once again or being worried, or caring. 

So yeah, theres always this fear at the back of my head, trying not to be irrational. and when things are bugging me, trying to shut up, stay shuttttttt instead of acting out. because, this moment will pass, but something i express just out of current volatile mood could get to him and do i ever want that? nooo

^ so that is one of the reasons why i dont always blog. and also the same reason for this weekend drama! 

Okay so this is the other stuff i could start my post with. this is fun loll. so i still am not sure whats up but this is my solved case lol - as in what i figured out myself and think is actually what happened. so i woke up on friday and i saw one of his tweets. it seemed to me like it was the time when someone last checked into some social media. UH WELL. and yeah thats it :) that is what got in to my head. a lot of things at once actually. i guess ill just point a few -

1- someone lucky enough to get that much attention from him that hed tweet something like that. i mean its definitely not me, cause all i could think of was whatsapp and well i have the time thingy hidden there AND ALSO, honestly i never had any real conversation, like a real one where im instantly replying to someone and shit with anyone i think after we stopped talking - basically i cant communicate well with people - i feel like having a normal conversation where i sit with my phone and talk to someone and actually bother to give them instant replies is too much of commitment & no i cant put that much effort for anyone ------ so yeah, that kind of made it clearer that obviously its not me, i dont even go to whatsapp! Bleeeeeh - well yeah later i just think i figured its some other app - idk - or maybe there just is a special new person :) 

2- It just started to seem really really disturbing - how the tweet bothered me so much. I mean i have no right to get bothered. Like what am I? I mean we’re definitely not together right now. And we dont talk. And even if we were together just saying, i definitely dont want to be a creepy chic who has a problem with things like these. like, woah hold your brakes. who are you to feel bothered by stuff like these :) 

3- And then i realised that i really need to take a BIG BIG step backwards - like Breathe, honey. chill. dont let every little thing get to you. EXPAND your mind, think bigger. i mean im not thirteen anymore and this is not a teen fiction novel where teenage girls get jealous over stuff, and everything bothers them, and blabla shit. Ugh hindi movies and tv series are the same too lool. ---- Wel anyways long story short - i was just - “Training my mind and soul to just let go and think bigger”. I shouldn’t be getting bothered by things like this in his life, thats not my place right now i think! 

SO YES THATS IT - UH i finally got to jot down this stuff! Such a relieffff ~ 

So lets re-cap :3 

~ Aha, so turns out im basically always thinking about him, theres guilt wishing i could do something, theres fear hoping i dont screw up in ways im too stupid to even realize, and theres me being a little girl, but one badly in love! ~

Ok bye :)